Sticks and Saphire

sometimes if you have to fight for something then you have already lost

in another life i would make you stay.

Nanana

I always thought that being in love is the scariest, cruelest thing that could ever happen to someone. I thought wrong.

Being in love with someone far from you is the scariest, cruelest thing that could ever happen to someone.

It’s like loving a ghost. You can’t have them physically, you cannot just run into them and hug them whenever you want to. You cannot just pour your heart out in front of them and expect them to comfort you like normal people in a relationship do. You cannot just fight with them and expect them to be in front of your doorstep hours after. You juts can’t.

But you know they care, you know they want you there too, you know they feel something deep for you, and it sucks that despite knowing all these, it seems like you don’t have a hold on them.

And then there’s waiting.

How long can one be patient enough to wait? How can someone be so cocksure that everything will be okay in the end? What if it doesn’t? What if it did? Who knows?

——

Sometime, not so far from now, I may not be writing about you anymore.

Does that scare you?

It should.

"I was asking God “you know, he was such an okay guy. Nice, smart, genuinely good. Why didn’t you think he was good enough?” and God said: “because he didn’t love you.” And that really hurt at first but I know at the heart of all that, God’s greatest desire for me is to love and be loved by a man who loves God more than he loves me. That is the only kind of man who could love me right and who would actually willingly lay down his life for me the way Christ did. It’s a powerful promise. And now I understand why it hurts God when we settle. He wants more for us than we believe we could ever deserve."

zzz

Have you ever had a dream so heartbreakingly beautiful that it felt like pure agony to stay awake?

I just did. I was with someone I’ve been wanting to be with for months already and it was the first time I had that dream, not the usual nightmares I used to have. That person was still there, but more on the nightmares like he’d leave me there alone and somewhat empty. Or he’d be with people I don’t want him to be with. Yea, always the same dream of being left alone and or me running away and nobody running after me. I used to interpret this, but then I realized it’s my subconscious constantly reminding me that everybody leaves and I should get used to that.

But that dream was so fckn different I didn’t want to wake up. So when I had that dream I almost killed my brother for waking me up and my lolo for calling nonstop.

Then I had to ask: Is it even possible that I’m starting to believe something I never thought I’d understand?

The thing with heart breakers, they get their hearts broken too. And when that happens, all hell broke loose.